Buzzworthy Beetle

Evanesco '99

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 02:53:17 GMT

Here are just some of the journals that the Ministry has ordered stricken with Evanesco. This only reflects those within our "Hogwarts Server" of the interweb (which is quite an inaccurate designation since many on the server never even attended Hogwarts, but I digress.)

girlpowerkthx has posted a message from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement here. All supposedly "contain interests that support illegal Death Eater activity" and yet all, to our knowledge, are quite innocent and even entirely opposed. I will try to keep this post updated with the Ministry's excuses.

They don't seem to be consistently Evanescoing journals that include these interests. Many more list "Hogwarts" than have been vanished for it, including some wizards and witches with prior convictions that would seem to implicate them (waitingfortom has been convicted of Dark Magic, among other things).

abbotts_habits — "interests: black, black cats, black hair, cats, chocolate, complaining, dark chocolate, hating life, hating men, hating my father, hufflepuff, injustice, life is so unfair, not green, not men, not my father, not yellow, the colour black, unfairness, violence"
alpha_aconite — "interests: bagpipes, disco, harry potter, hogwarts, muggle music, tahiti"
aspires_to
bagshot
bridge_um
carpetscarpet
cookiekrum — "prior association with Death Eater"
emericswitch
famalda
flishandswick — "suspicious height and interest: being delighted"
goblinsknuts — "allowing Death Eaters to maintain Gringotts accounts"
grubbyplank
hardlyinit — "attempting to conceal interests by not listing any"
iknowyourdaddy — "interest: harry potter"
juggerjugger
kent_whistle
mgoshawk
mo_rag
moodeye — "excessive interest in Death Eaters"
mynoseisfine — "interests: good music., hufflepuff, paranoia, thumb-biting"
ollivands — "selling wands to Death Eaters"
pious_zacharias — "interests: exasperation, fellow hufflepuffs, having good taste, hogwarts, hufflepuff, irritation, loyalty"
sosuli — "harbouring Death Eaters in interweb community"
tart_in_tartan — "interests: cats, plaid"
tonkster — "excessive interest in Death Eaters"
trimbletino — "violent interweb films"
ur_so_vane — "attempting to conceal interests by not listing any"
vacuousbeefcake — "interests: autograph, autographs, more autographs, radio"
veryverysmart — "interests: ancient runes, arithmancy, harry potter, hogwarts, knitting"
where_hagger
youngersister

Current Best Practices: Be a Death Eater.¹ This seems to be THE BEST way to avoid accusations of being a Death Eater. Alternatively, be a former Death Eater.² This also seems to remove suspicion that you're a current Death Eater.

Avoid working for the Ministry of Magic, especially as an Auror, or in public positions such as Gringotts. Don't become a celebrity or notable author. Don't attend Hogwarts or have attended it in the past. In fact, don't live or have lived in the Wizarding World. Don't have an interest in anything that may have ever interested a Death Eater, especially Hogwarts and Harry Potter. Don't like cats, either, or strange forms of music or fabric. And if you're short, promptly buy some platforms or constantly levitate yourself.

¹ Don't actually be a Death Eater. This is sarcasm, not advice.
² If you've survived to be a former one, in ghost form or not.

Hogwarts, you dirty dogs!

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 00:23:07 GMT

Scandalous Society Shorts
November is Naughty Month for Hogwarts and its Former Students
By special society correspondent Rita Skeeter

"I Didn't Know He Was Underage!"

Something in the Pumpkin Juice?

Farewell to Your G-Pot

Burn baby burn!

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 02:38:16 GMT

Before we get to the article, I just want to say how proud I am of the graduates of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry who successfully got a place at the schools of their dreams thanks to my advice, especially those who followed tip #6. You make such dashing pirates! I almost want to take you on as my crew.

Just a reminder that it isn't too late to apply for a winter internship with Yours Truly.

ARSON!

Pureblood Properties Struck In Mystery Fires
By special correspondent Rita Skeeter

Scandal sweeps England early this week as several homes owned by prominent pureblood families burn to the ground in what authorities say is most assuredly arson. There was no evidence of magical foul play or accidental hexing, only deliberate flaming intent. This is not the first time that the Wizarding World has dealt with fires, such as those caused by the likes of Death Eaters, Quidditch groupies, and disgruntled prefects.

But what troubles the nation is that these fires weren't set by wizards, at least not with wizard methods.

"We didn't find any wandmarks at the scenes," a noted investigator says. In fact, "all evidence points to Muggles or someone familiar enough with them to be comfortable using their tools."

Items at the scenes included unused matchsticks (a sort of one-off flaming wand), crumpled Muggle newspapers, and a can of petrol (a flammable substance Muggles use for their automobiles). Investigators could not give further details, but they say that they also suspect multiple arsonists are involved.

One noted family, the Crabbes, expressed their thanks that they weren't home when the arsonist(s) struck. They were visiting their son's grave when it happened. (Vincent Crabbe, lately of Hogwarts, failed to complete his NEWTs.) When they returned, they found their home in ashes. They have called for an investigation into who might have leaked their location to Muggles, as they believed it to be warded against such detection.

In another startling reveal, a property belonging to the Black family also was reportedly destroyed in fire. Authorities could not disclose the location but say it was placed between Muggle homes until the arson. The Ministry is still dealing with the clean-up of the houses pushed aside and modifying the memories of neighbours, emergency response personnel, and Muggle conspiracy theorists.

It was this property that led them to suspect that the arsonists are not working together, but rather that there is a rash of anti-wizard sentiment. The material evidence varies between the locations struck, suggesting different methods used by different individuals.

An Auror also told this reporter that the Black property had been willed to Harry Potter, who was raised by Muggles, and was in his possession at the time. The insurance on it was considerable. No doubt the Ministry of Magic will wish to question him about his alibi.

The properties were burnt within a short time frame, and no one was injured. Physically.

But the loss of such noble, glorious estates will surely wound these proud families for some time.

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 22:22:29 GMT

God has a plan for you.

That is, if you're Gaius.

The rest of you can wait for the bombs to drop.

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 04:11:56 GMT

THE NUMBER SIX
Six Tips to Get YOU Into the Wizarding Uni of Your Dreams
By special correspondent Rita Skeeter

Have you been struggling with applications, unable to find funds for your higher education, worried that your wand isn't up to university standards? This week's edition of The Number Six will tell you how to sell yourself to that spectacular school. Not only will you charm them with your credentials, but you may just get lucky in the process.

Number One: If you're applying to an American uni, push your natural speaking to the utter limit. Those silly Americans melt over English, Scottish, and Irish accents, so use that to your best advantage. To them, anything sounds more authoritative if someone like says it in a voice like ours.

Number Two: But if your voice can't carry you, make sure you look your utmost best. Unattractive? These days, TransFiguration surgery is both safe and effective. Just look at my results! Took off twenty years, plenty more of that in weight, and I look like myself again. Don't be shy about trying a new look if your current one doesn't suit your goals.

Number Three: Eliminate the competition. Need I elaborate?

Number Four: For that essay, no matter what the prompt, make sure you write about the most heart-wrenching, bone-crushing, soul-leeching tragedy that has ever happened to you-- but don't forget that you have to triumph over it, too! If you can survive a Killing Curse that claimed the lives of your parents, grandparents, best friends, neighbor's kneazle, and a unicorn, surely you can survive at their university.

Number Five: Your most flattering photos never hurt, especially if they're sexy. Especially. Be willing to do anything to get into their program, including showing a little something-something. Remember what I said about your personal tragedy? The below picture not only meets my Number Five requirements, but it was also used to illustrate Number Four-- the tragedy of the gorgeousness I lost to my figure-destroying descent into obesity, along with the legal struggles and heartbreak of having my look completely stolen by a Muggle bint and monopolized for a ridiculous popular poster. I was the original! It was ALL ME!

But you know what I spun from that? I told them how much I learned about inner beauty, what's really important, fame isn't everything, blah blah blah and the universities loved it. Loved it.

Remember: it doesn't have to be completely factual if it sounds true to the heart. After all, it's not a memoir.

And, of course:
Number Six: Become a pirate. This may sound ridiculous, but trust me: it combines all of these elements. The best pirates are sexy in both voice and dress, and they have plenty of funds to support their education. You have the tragedy of perhaps being kidnapped by pirates or having to throw a loved one overboard. You are dashing and pose well, especially with your pirate weaponry that may just come in handy with those other applicants. Try it; you may like it. And it will work. Just think of the stories from the high seas that you'll have for your application essays!

And that's all for The Number Six! Arrr!

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 04:48:54 GMT

I simply can't wait until the 25th for this. Consider it an early gift!

Some of you have asked me before what I had the TransFigSurgeon do for my breasts since they're noticeably smaller than before. Let me remind all of you that I had a lardum amputo to remove my weight, so that decreased the size of my breasts. It's merely a side effect of the other work. No work was done to the breasts themselves!

If any of you want to use my name as a referral for your Christmas-time TransFigure Surgery, do contact me in advance! I will soon be publishing a piece about young women who have been inspired by me to get this done.

Have a holly, jolly Christmas, and I do hope my dear readers get what they deserve!

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 03:23:33 GMT

More great news! The lasiktatious charm took well, so I'm now seeing quite perfectly! I've almost been rehired, so you'll soon see me in the print world again! So don't you think that's fabulous? I just need to flash a little more of the pearly whites (the gold really competed with the shine in my hair so I got those redone as well) and fluff the hair a bit, and I'll be back where I belong. It's so nice to be absolutely sexy!

And now to further business!

Miss Vane, I apologise for not replying sooner! I'm not in the business of promoting someone without some benefit to me for it, so I can't just go telling everyone who my TransFigSurgeon was without negotiating a deal first! If you'd like to ask me privately, just make an appointment to give an interview and we'll see about a business card.

Mister Diggory, is your communications secretary alive? I do hope that no unfortunate jungle plagues are slowing down our negotiations.

Mister Creevey, I would like an update on the status of your discussions with your legal team! And as you can see, here is my fantastically tight red number! Take THAT!

Mon, 24 Oct 2005 23:11:37 GMT

My TransFigure surgery is complete, and I am STUNNING! Don't you agree?

"Witch Weekly" won't know WHAT to say about this!

Sat, 22 Oct 2005 05:33:22 GMT

My dear interweb readers, I want you to know how much I've missed sharing my fantastic articles with you. It's been a long time since I was regularly published. That unfortunate house arrest business rather interfered with my writing, and I was quite out of the frame of mind needed to meet my usual standards. I want all of you to know that I hope to return to regular reporting in the near future. Too much is happening in our world to go any longer without a Skeeter exclusive! I'm sure you've especially missed my exposés on that most eccentric and bizarre of headmasters, and that mad boy who's always in the papers.

But I have to tell you, friends, that I've had good reason not to publish for this time. You see, I realised that something was missing from my life. Something felt incomplete and wrong about me.

I decided to try new things to see if they would bring me fulfilment. I first tried infiltrating the Muggle world as something called a "meter maid," and it was very enjoyable at first to scribble scratching notes to the Muggles about their violations of the law, but it was just too dirty and noisy. Then I tried to write a weather almanac, but the publishers told me there's little buyer interest in predictions for eight years from now. (Mark my words, dears, it will be a busy season!) This infuriated me so I might've gone round the bend again for a bit. Sorry, Japan!

No, what I needed wasn't a change of circumstance! What I needed was a change in self of the most dramatic kind! My dears, you will soon see a glorious new me, more glamorous than ever!

That's right-- I'm in the middle of TransFigure Surgery. I'm transitioning!

This is nothing to be ashamed of! I know there's a certain stigma associated with it, but I want to assure all of you that it's fantastic and all of you should try it! Nobody is so perfect that they can't do without a little tweaking! Elder warlocks, why should your age be a barrier to your social life? Young ladies, why wait until you finish growing to grow yourself the chest you've always wanted? Gendermagi, have you ever wished your halves were more like each other? TransFigure Surgery is fun for the whole family!

I'll of course be getting the lasiktatious charm, but I can still enjoy my favourite frames without the lenses in them. Soon I'll be able to show you the final results of my lardum amputo and vultum leviosa, but in the meantime, I would like to share something to help show the process so hopefully some of the fear is taken away from you! There's no reason not to get some work done, no reason at all!

Keep in mind that this reporter is in the middle of the process, so she'll look quite different when all is finished! As you can see, even this in-between time comes with an exciting wardrobe and new opportunities. Just imagine what it'll be like when I'm finished!

I appreciate any well wishes you send me as I finish transitioning!

Skeeter Says: Muggle surgeries of this nature involve "plastiques." They call it plastique surgery. Often, bones are broken to reshape them, without any potions or charms to dull the pain. Sometimes they even put pouches of fluid in their chests to improve their bosoms. Thankfully we are above this barbarism!

Tue, 24 Aug 2004 03:16:58 GMT

hahahhaahhaah

well Hogwarts, you are veeery interestingg indede!!!!

The world will knw of your exploitss!!! my articles will be PUBLISHED once I am out of here!!!!!! HAHAHAHAA.